Moon Cycles...Blech (Men may want to skip this one)

I wasn't sure whether to post this on my normal blog or my pagan blog, but I decided to put it here.

My current facebook status is "Ugh. I think either I'm dying, have food poisoning, or Aunt Flo will be coming for a visit in the morning. If you've maxed out on immodium can you take pepto?"

My symptoms tonight started with diarrhea, and then progress to a throbbing headache, and serious nausea. I'm talking nausea like I am praying to every deity I know of to just please let me throw up so I might feel better, but no luck. Now I may simply be sick, or have eaten something that didn't like me too much. My period being on it's way is a very real possibility for these symptoms though. As is typical for me, since I feel like utter crap, my mind has taken off. Basically it has said "I know that you literally feel too shitty to sleep, but on the offchance you might otherwise pass out I'm going to think about stupid stuff and ensure you must endure this misery. Thx mind... really. The usually methods of quieting it aren't working, so I decided getting one of the things going through it an outlet (via blog obviously) might help.

Now being a pagan I often come across the most interesting notions. I honestly don't remember if it was a blog, and email, a website, an article, or even a synopsis of a book, but awhile back I remember reading a woman (supposedly) saying that we, as pagan women, should be taking back our moon cycles. That the only reason we have cramps, fatigue, feel bloated, or have other symptoms is because we are told we should have them. If we just make up our minds not to, then we won't. We should rejoice in this sacred cycle in our life. Hooray for you Miss Perfect Period. I am still about halfway convinced that it was written by the same obviously male advertiser who thought up the Always "Happy Period" campaign. Now don't get me wrong. I do realize that having a period is a part of my also being able to have children, and for that ability I am thankful.

I was told growing up by my mother and the good people at stayfree (who funded that oh so lovely talk during 5th grade at school), that approximately once a month I would bleed for a few days from my vagina and that i may have some discomfort and/or bloating in my abdomen. I was told this was normal, it shouldn't worry me. I was taught the ins and outs of the linging forming and how this was my body preparing for me to have children (hopefully) much later in life. I was told would need to shower every day because my normal bodily odor may be stronger and of course "down there" wouldn't smell too great. I might even want to take some tylenol or special medicine like pamprin and eat more protien, but everything would be alright.

I was not told that I would get violently ill just about every time I got my period. I mean of often missed days of school or work. I was not told that my "average" period would last 10 days. My longest period ever lasted 21 days. That was a fun one as I had exactly 7 days off and then started again. Someone once suggested that that must have been a miscarriage I didn't know about. I can assure you it was not, as I was a virgin at the time. I was not told that I would get an awful itchy rash that is most likely an allergy to the bleach used in pads no matter how hard I tried to keep that area clean. I was not told that I would have cramps that would have me doubled over in pain, not only during my period but during ovulation as well. I was not told that wanting to be in anyway vertical would sometimes cause me to bleed through the highest absorbancy pad AND tampon... yes both used simultaneously... in 30 minutes. I was not told that upon standing in the morning that I would sometimes experience such a gush of blood, that any normal person encountering me before i got cleaned up would call 911, sure that I had been stabbed. I was not told any of this but it happened all the same. I certainly didn't CHOOSE it.

My saving grace in all of this was that I would often go 3 or even 6 months without a period. Around the time I was 13 or 14 I think, my mother (adoptive) decided that there might be something wrong with me. Apparently this runs in my family, but of course being adopted I didn't know that. Anyways she took me to the dr and they did all the normal poking and prodding and ultrasounds and bloodtests and what not and found not a damned thing. I have been back several times with always the same result. So the dr's idea was to put me on birth control pills. This went over well with my extremely conservative mother... /sarcasm off. After a long lecture about how this was not her giving me permission to have sex (which quite honestly wasn't even on my radar at the time) she decided to trust the dr. This had positive and negative results. I did not have as heavy bleeding, and did not bleed for as long, but now I got to endure this misery each and every 28 days. When I got out on my own I decided to go off the pill, and went back to my normal heavy miserable flows that generally only occured 3-4 times a year.

After I had my first child I discovered this wonderful thing called the depo shot which meant I didn't have to get my period at all. I was on this the majority of the time between my first and second child other than when actively trying to get pregnant. The downsides to this were that I gained about 10lbs every time i got the shot, and when I came off it i got 3 periods in the first month. Also it took about a year and a half for me to regain my fertility. After having my second child my insurance once again provided me a way to (hopefully) stop my period called Implanon. It uses the same hormones as Depo, but doesn't completely shut down your ovaries, I'm told most women get a light monthly period with it, but up until the last few months I didn't get any at all. My Implanon is due to come out in April and I believe that to be the reason I have started getting periods again. I am unsure as to what I will do then. Another Implanon is not an option due to cost. I don't think I want to go back on the Depo. I am considering that pill that you only get 4 periods a year on.

I have been admonished by some in the pagan community for choosing first of all to use any form of hormonal birth control, by more for choosing to stop my cycle completely. How dare I mess with my "Sacred Moon Cycle" the "Goddess' Gift". I know many even collect their blood for offerings or spellwork. (that's kinda icky to me, but to each their own) I just find it funny how many pagans will leap to defend a woman's right to choose abortion (which is not something i fully agree with but don't want to get into here) but then will turn around and condemn me for choosing to stop my cycle. I know there are procedures up to and including hysterectomy that may improve my problems, but would take away my ability to have children, and neither my husband nor I are 100% sure we are ready to close that door yet. ( I would say about 85% but that's not enough)

An Affirmation of Faith

I believe that we are all part of the Divine.

I believe that we are all connected through energy.

I believe that with the proper focus, we can sometimes bend that energy to our will.

I believe that there is power in the Elements.

I believe in unseen elemental creatures that may or may not have been a physical part of this world at one time.

I believe in dark having value as well as light.

I believe in others' right to choose their spiritual path, so long as they respect my right to choose mine.

I believe in the preciousness of now because, lets face it, that's all we know FOR SURE that we've got.

I believe in doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing.

I believe in taking responsibility for your actions and the energy you send out, negative and positive.

I believe evil only exists in the hearts and minds of mankind.

I will probably add to this later on, but this is for now off the top of my head.

My Great-Grandfather

This is not an original concept/story by any means, but I am rewriting it from my own point of view....

I want to tell you a story about my great-grandfather and why he is such a wonderful guy and why it is so important that you recognize how awesome he is.

When my grandmother was growing up my great-grandfather had only one rule, that she wasn't allowed to eat his favorite kind of candy. It sounds pretty simple, but you know, kids being kids... my grandmother decided it must be really good candy if she wasn't allowed to have any. One day she snuck into my great-grandfather's room, stole a piece, and ate it.
Now when my great-grandfather found out that my grandmother ate the candy he was really mad. My grandmother told him she was very sorry, but he beat her. He also made up a whole bunch of new rules. There are so many it's really hard to remember them all. Some of them were good, common sense rules that everyone has, like no hitting. Some of the rules seem silly and are almost imposible to keep, like no smiling during certain times. If you even THINK about breaking a rule, then you've broken it. So now my grandmother had a whole bunch of rules to keep track of. She isn't punished each time she breaks a rule, but my great-grandfather said he'd keep track of which rules she broke and punish her for them all at once, but she wouldn't know when. Not only did this apply to my grandmother but to her siblings and all their descendants. We all have to follow all these rules, and my great-grandfather keeps track of when we break them, and some day he'll punish us for all the rules we've broken.

Now I know that you think this seems harsh and how could I say my great-grandfather is so awesome? But i have to tell you the rest of the story. So the whole family was trying very hard not to break any rules and we were all very afraid of being punished. None of us were doing a very good job of following all the rules though. Some were doing better than others. So my great grandfather had a plan. When my aunt was a teenager he got her pregnant and she had my cousin. My cousin was VERY good and didn't break one single rule. So my great=grandfather decided to punish him for all of the rest of us breaking rules and it killed him.

Now I know that seems unfair, but my great-grandfather said since my cousin died that we don't have to be punished anymore. Some of the old rules we don't have to follow at all anymore, and some of them we're still supposed to follow, but if we break them it's ok. All we have to do is tell great-grandfather that we are sorry we broke the rules, how much we love him, how awesome he is, and thank you for killing my cousin, and then he won't punish us.

Of course if we don't love great-grandfather, and tell him how awesome he is, and thank him for killing my cousin then he will still punish us. Oh and since my cousin died, my great-grandfather decided everyone in the whole world should follow his rules. I'm sure you can see how loving and merciful he is. So I wanted to tell you that you should try and follow my great- grandfathers rules, and love him, and tell him how awesome he is. Don't forget to thank him for killing my cousin. Then great-grandfather won't punish you, and I really like you and I wouldn't want to see you get punished.

ETA: (I'm told my point wasn't clear) This is obviously a ridiculous story. If it were true you would be horrified. Why would you want anything to do with my great-grandfather and what right does he have to punish you?

Well substitute God for great-grandfather, Eve for grandma, Mary for aunt, and Jesus for cousin. Now you have the story of the biggest religion in the world and a follower trying to convert you. Seriously, it just doesn't make any sense... to me atleast. Why hold your deity to a lower standard than you hold your fellow man?