My Great-Grandfather

This is not an original concept/story by any means, but I am rewriting it from my own point of view....

I want to tell you a story about my great-grandfather and why he is such a wonderful guy and why it is so important that you recognize how awesome he is.

When my grandmother was growing up my great-grandfather had only one rule, that she wasn't allowed to eat his favorite kind of candy. It sounds pretty simple, but you know, kids being kids... my grandmother decided it must be really good candy if she wasn't allowed to have any. One day she snuck into my great-grandfather's room, stole a piece, and ate it.
Now when my great-grandfather found out that my grandmother ate the candy he was really mad. My grandmother told him she was very sorry, but he beat her. He also made up a whole bunch of new rules. There are so many it's really hard to remember them all. Some of them were good, common sense rules that everyone has, like no hitting. Some of the rules seem silly and are almost imposible to keep, like no smiling during certain times. If you even THINK about breaking a rule, then you've broken it. So now my grandmother had a whole bunch of rules to keep track of. She isn't punished each time she breaks a rule, but my great-grandfather said he'd keep track of which rules she broke and punish her for them all at once, but she wouldn't know when. Not only did this apply to my grandmother but to her siblings and all their descendants. We all have to follow all these rules, and my great-grandfather keeps track of when we break them, and some day he'll punish us for all the rules we've broken.

Now I know that you think this seems harsh and how could I say my great-grandfather is so awesome? But i have to tell you the rest of the story. So the whole family was trying very hard not to break any rules and we were all very afraid of being punished. None of us were doing a very good job of following all the rules though. Some were doing better than others. So my great grandfather had a plan. When my aunt was a teenager he got her pregnant and she had my cousin. My cousin was VERY good and didn't break one single rule. So my great=grandfather decided to punish him for all of the rest of us breaking rules and it killed him.

Now I know that seems unfair, but my great-grandfather said since my cousin died that we don't have to be punished anymore. Some of the old rules we don't have to follow at all anymore, and some of them we're still supposed to follow, but if we break them it's ok. All we have to do is tell great-grandfather that we are sorry we broke the rules, how much we love him, how awesome he is, and thank you for killing my cousin, and then he won't punish us.

Of course if we don't love great-grandfather, and tell him how awesome he is, and thank him for killing my cousin then he will still punish us. Oh and since my cousin died, my great-grandfather decided everyone in the whole world should follow his rules. I'm sure you can see how loving and merciful he is. So I wanted to tell you that you should try and follow my great- grandfathers rules, and love him, and tell him how awesome he is. Don't forget to thank him for killing my cousin. Then great-grandfather won't punish you, and I really like you and I wouldn't want to see you get punished.

ETA: (I'm told my point wasn't clear) This is obviously a ridiculous story. If it were true you would be horrified. Why would you want anything to do with my great-grandfather and what right does he have to punish you?

Well substitute God for great-grandfather, Eve for grandma, Mary for aunt, and Jesus for cousin. Now you have the story of the biggest religion in the world and a follower trying to convert you. Seriously, it just doesn't make any sense... to me atleast. Why hold your deity to a lower standard than you hold your fellow man?